I read Candy Girl. Painfully witty as expected.

My previous blog post about Diablo Cody got me wondering if her stripper memoir is worth a shot. What's uninteresting about an Academy-Award winning screenwriter that used to tease cock for greenbacks? The Amazon preview was a key bump that left me wanting a full line so I eagerly zapped it to my shopping cart.

Diablo Cody didn't look like this.

There are "popcorn movies" that have a wide appeal and seem to fly by within minutes of selecting "Play Movie" on your remote; and Candy Girl just happens to be the novel equivalent. My brain never went into autopilot from lack of stimuli; meaning I didn't read entire paragraphs only to realize that I never actually imagined a word of it. I never fell asleep and experienced the horrible repetition of a DVD menu. Simply put: it was cheap, easy, and fun like the women at your local Sammy's and your Mom.

Cody laces her prose with pop culture references that are synonymous with the book's light-hearted tone. Those that hate constant allusions to one's hipster cred (as seen in Juno) should obviously steer clear. Her rofling tales of the sex trade dispelled any annoyance I had with those moments. Here's a nice quote that embodies the spirit of the book:

"I stretched out on the love seat and closed my eyes. But instead of darkness, I saw an afterimage of girls ascending the spiral staircases flanking the stage, a never ending parade of marching insects in neon dresses, a lurid Escher. My eyes snapped open."

If you don't know the work of M.C. Escher you'll be lost on this poignant image. Miley Cyrus fans and those who were just thawed out of cryosleep will be at a loss on most references without Wikipedia at hand. At times its like you can actually see the endless barrage of links this book would apply as if it were a terribly shitty blogpost.

It also needs to be noted that all the situations seem authentic; except for the dialogue of Diablo herself. I don't see how her wit can be so snappy when she's grinding hard-ons inbetween rounds of vodka and coke. (But that's fair enough...anyone would lack the memory to recount dialogue faithfully and simply make shit up).

Did you actually enjoy this post? Good. That means you'll like Candy Girl even better.

Random quote from: Half Nelson.

"Well basically you can't go anywhere in India without - y'know; stepping on semen. Semen everywhere. There's semen buildings. It's lots of people you know; so everything is made of semen."
-Ryan Gosling as Dan Dunne

Anyone that has seen this film would know that this quote belies the heart-wrenching nature of the film (and that it is way out of context). I simply couldn't resist.

Seriously though, this film actually touched me. I have no memory of the last time I had to tell myself "it's only a movie" to keep my heart from braking over someones downfall. It's despicably emo but totally true. This is coming from a young man who is typically only putting science fiction, fantasy, and gornography on his Netflix queue.

Ryan Gosling deserved the Oscar nod he got for this overlooked gem. I've seen actual drug addicts and Gosling's physical mastery wasn't any less convincing.

If you HATE Diablo Cody then you may actually HATE YOUR GOD. Go cry.

I am not a Diablo Hater but you are and she knows it.

A lot of people are though...and the reason is one I find so easy to understand I ALMOST cannot blame them. I think this post will break my record length but bear with me:

How does one become a successful filmmaker?

I asked John Waters and Morgan Spurlock a similar question when I went to their Q&A events. Their answers were mildly different but their point was exactly the same: You have to knock on Hollywood's door because they are never going to knock on yours. This is the most obvious reason I feel that people hate Diablo Cody so unabashedly: Mr. Hollywood rapped on her door bearing housewarming gifts...and she wasn't even in his neighborhood.

It's simple human nature: People hate it when others seem lucky; especially when from that luck they springboard gracefully into success. Thus people hate Cody because she may be the luckiest person who ever entered the "behind the scenes" part of the industry.

It kills people's souls that the discovery of her talent and subsequent media saturation is all centered around the cheapest and easiest way to attract attention to one's self: SEX. I trust this expands upon every Hater's irritation that she was discovered through a blog called Pussy Ranch. As far as i know there wasn't even any flash fiction on this blog. She hadn't even written a book yet! She got her book deal through Mason Novick after his lust had subsided (according to Wikipedia). It didn't stop after the publishing and she was coaxed into writing a screenplay (as the story is told). Other writers weren't hired to write an adaptation of that memoir nor was she assigned to it: She just got a chance to write a script about whatever the fuck she wanted. IT WAS HER FIRST ATTEMPT AT A SCREENPLAY EVER (according to what Cody said in an interview). Then it actually got produced without someone else's rewrite! Adding insult to injury we can only assume all of this opportunity was incited by an executive's blood engorged cock. I can only imagine that this is Sparta.

(All of this information may be false but I've seen a lot of Diablo Cody interviews and read a plethora of articles about her. This is my understanding of the whole story if I assume most of my interwub sources are somewhat accurate.)

The fact that she wasn't in Hollywood trying to sell scripts or writing books of her own impetus only adds to the madness. A countless number of people (a small amount with proven talent in some area of the film industry) are busting their balls and stretching their vaginas over a ruthless and competitive profession while for all we know Diablo Cody only merely dreamed of trying. This kills me above all other things. This is the idea that almost turned me into a Hater.

Diablo Cody will never do this to your penis.

I have a YouTube page. The stuff there lacks professional production value as it was shot on MiniDV with only the shit on-board mic in an atypical guerrila-style fashion (I'll stop there with the excuses). However, I think it shows that I have a unique vision. (As a matter of fact I want to take it down because I am much better than that two-year-old content but my friends have some emotional stock invested into it that I can't destroy.) You may think that I'm one of the millions of people out there that is clueless to the fact that they have no talent whatsoever but I'm not the only person that thinks I've got something (I've done local commercials and placed on or near the top in a variety of contests). I've wanted to make films professionally since I was twelve and have actually made them since before that.

There are cases where the biggest agencies in the business have granted other Youtubers representation for merely competent Weird Al covers of pop songs that don't even show they can conceive of more original content...but at least it was in the realm of filmmaking. Jay Cheel from the Film Junk podcast has work of a professional sheen (and promising talent) in The Goblin Man of Norway (and if he plays his cards right will be a feature filmmaker). He is just one of many whose work is on a pro level and of a pro quality that hasn't kicked down Mr. Hollywood's steel door. Meanwhile, Diablo Cody has a blog about meatholes with no direct relation to the industry. Mr. Hollywood decides this is grounds to knock down her door and buy her a house in his neighborhood a million light years away. Around the world wannabe, amateur, and professional filmmakers can't help but moan.

The idea that keeps me from being a Cody hater is simple...she has TALENT. Some agree with me and some don't (but I believe many wouldn't because they project all their frustration over her "big break" onto her work). Diablo was given an unprecedented opportunity but she didn't shit on it. Her work so far (and I have only seen Juno and not read a word from the memoir) is original if anything. Did she deserve all the awards it brought her? Maybe and maybe not. My point is that she is not Uwe Boll who is constantly getting work after repetitively saturating the industry with forgettable shit, ruining beloved franchises, and creating a stigma on video game movies. She only did one movie we've seen so far and for all I can see the dialogue is the strongest aspect in bringing it to the critical success it has gained. The concept for Jennifer's Body sounds like something I would come up with! Even what she just wrote in her blog was a nice little piece with far more brevity and illustrated a point with far more relevance and attention to style than this post (I'm admittedly much better as a director though.) Any filmmaker who makes original work is helping the industry so theoretically we all benefit from her massive success.

This is a bed of "Oscar-worthiness" in which you shall never lie.

There is more to the Diablo Hatred Phenomenon (her use of a pseudonym and the constant need she may have to advertise her past in the sex industry). Also, her seemingly pretentious word choice may be annoying to some and her ego may be longer than longcat. The media loves constantly bombarding us with her existence but lets give the girl a chance.

Sure, people can hate on Diablo Cody all they want...but they need to understand that the real target of their hatred should be the persistently unfair nature of human life. Jealousy is a bitch. Haters need to take it up with God, Allah, Xenu or whatever the fuck they believe in.

The Internet Haters (who probably lack the talent part required to complete the Luck Equation of the breaking into the industry) can go stew in their "Writer's Block" (read: void of creativity and skill) while I get something done. I'll only hate like a little bitch (because you can't hate without being a little bitch) for those that I feel may actually deserve it.

The Origin of Kool-Aid Man.

Jarvis Sugarman was a mild-mannered construction worker living in the worst neighborhood Brooklyn had to offer. His life was fairly prosperous...until he was laid off and subsequently evicted. Jarvis was trying to sleep on the street when his thirst (and sweet tooth) got the best of him. Armed with an empty pitcher he found in a dumpster; Jarvis decided to break into the local Kool-Aid factory.

After stealthily avoiding a group of employees working late; Jarvis hovered over a vat of an experimental new Kool-Aid flavor. Just before the pitcher touched the surface a tendril of the liquid wrapped around his arm and pulled him in.

"Blargh! Too sweet!" was the last thing he said before drowning in it's sticky depths.

Hours later Jarvis awoke in Central Park. "I'm alive!" he exclaimed.

But something was wrong...his body was made of glass! Jarvis just sat there and marveled at the red liquid swirling inside of him until he heard screams. A woman was being mugged by two armed men! On an impulse, Jarvis lept thirty feet and landed on one of the thugs. The other pulled out a gun and opened fire. The bullets just bounced right off not even leaving a scratch. The thug ran away in horror.

The woman gasped "What? Who are you?"

Jarvis said "Uh...I'm the Kool-Aid Man I guess."

From that day forward the Kool-Aid Man used his invulnerability and super-strength to clean up the street. If you hear a boisterous "OH YEAH!" you know another criminal has been brought to justice. Sometimes he lets people get a sip of him to heal their wounds. Kool-Aid Man is even able to transform back into Jarvis Sugarman and see his family and friends again.

One day Kool-Aid Man discovered his only weakness: spillage. If he loses all his Kool-Aid before he can mix more he's boned. The Jolly Green Giant, his arch-enemy, found out and is always trying to tip him over and fuck up everyone's shit. With the occasional help of Little Debbie, Little Ceasar, and The General Mills Club of Wisconsin; Kool-Aid Man always stops The Jolly Green Giant's devious plans. His only problem is one that haunts him to this very day...

"I wish I remembered the goddamn lid."

He also molests children. Calls it "sugar-baiting".

(Story Inspired by Robin LeBlanc's tweets inquiring about the physical properties of Kool-aid Man.)

It's my birthday and...

On this very day many years ago a lot of insane shit went down. I found out on Daily Rotten that August the Ninth is also the date of many almost unprecedented events in history...

1. Because of the dense cloud cover over Kokura, USAF Maj. Charles Sweeney diverts his B-29 Bock's Car to the designated secondary target, 95 miles to the south. There he drops "Fat Man" -- a 22 kiloton Atomic Bomb -- over the city of Nagasaki, population 270,000. The blast kills 24,000 immediately, but another 46,000 perish from radiation-related illnesses over the next four months."

2. Tate Murders by Charles Manson's followers: Frykowski - shot twice, bludgeoned 13 times, stabbed 51 times; Pregnant Sharon Tate stabbed in the neck, breast, back, womb.

3. Finally bowing to pressure from Senator Barry Goldwater and RNC chairman George Bush, President Richard M. Nixon resigns from office. His successor, Gerald Ford, assures the American people that their "long national nightmare is over."

...and there are many more but those are the most relevant. Happy Birthday to me. There are many like it but this one is mine.